Short Sheeted

I do not have a traditional relationship with sheets. Ever since we bought into the king-size bed craze (thanks, trip to Vegas), I really lost control of that situation.

They're so huge! Even when I was young and capable of cleaning house in, like, three hours, changing, washing and folding those giant sheets put me in a full sweat. A long time ago, I decided that I was going to go with one set, period — and consolidate the entire process into a half-day affair.

That should make life pretty simple, right? So here's what I don't get: why are there SO many sizes and types of king sized sheets? Obviously, I'm not a huge consumer of king sized sheets, but I have bought my fair share over the years, and each and every one is a different size, with different form-fitting techniques.

One set (and price does not seem to matter here) sloppily droops over my respectably-thick mattress, requiring constant tuck-ins; the next turns into an upper body workout to get three out of four corners on (on the fourth I just give up). Pillowcases, too, are just randomly sized, it seems.

What this country needs (and I'm laughing here) is a Bureau of Standards & Measures focused on making things like this purchasing decision more consistent. I mean, how do we know what we're in for until we've washed the dang things? And who returns washed sheets?

Once again, it's beyond me.